Pinocchio - NO

Not sure why I decided to torture myself last weekend and watch the new Disney+ movie - the live action re-make of Pinocchio. It was fairly terrible, not a surprise, but there were things I enjoyed here and there. That ending though... it was off putting when it happened, and now two days later I'm fairly lathered up about it.

Some background on me - I'm a huge fan of Disney animation, especially the first golden age (Snow White - Dumbo) and second golden age films (Mermaid - Lion King) - Pinocchio is undoubtedly the best of the first golden age, and maybe of all the Disney animated features. It's a brilliant masterpiece of art and story telling that was made 80 years ago but is still powerful today. So that was the biggest reason I decided to check it out, knowing full well that my very low expectations would likely not be met.

Second, one of my favorite directors is Robert Zemeckis - Cast Away is probably my favorite movie ever and I also love the lion's share of his work. Roger Rabbit, Back to the Future, Forrest Gump, etc. All great stuff. And he's a subversive and clever guy - always has an interesting take on pop culture and of course politics which are downstream from it.

A big reason against watching for me is that I largely detest most of the Disney live action remakes. (I like the first Maleficent because it's original and I also like the Jungle Book because it is different enough to maintain my interest.)

But I think a few decades from now these live action flights of fancy will mostly all be looked upon the same way we look at the Disney animated straight to DVD sequels of the early 90's. That is, they will mostly be forgotten or dimly remembered as a joyless cash grab.

But in the end - I turned Pinocchio with Tom Hanks on and took it in. Spoilers ahead, but the movie is fairly faithful to the original so there's nothing too earth shattering if you plan to see it.

The first hour or so (gulp, yes this movie is almost 2 hours) was fairly bland and forgettable. The Pleasure Island sequence is EASILY the best part of the movie. It is a faithful and frothy sequence that takes Pinocchio and the viewer on an intense escalation from joyful exuberance to depraved indulgence and violence. It was not lost on me that images of children looting stores and carrying vulgar protest signs apply very pointedly to todays headlines. Bravo Zemeckis, there's hope for your liberal soul yet!

Alas, the rest of the film - and especially the ending which I'll get to - falls victim to the Disney wokeness more times than I would've liked. Besides the ending, the biggest incidence of this is that there's an ancillary female puppet that's needlessly introduced and doesn't result in anything useful for the plot or emotional resonance. It feels like she's an after thought, a box to tick and nothing more.

But for this movie, a far bigger sin that pandering and virtue signaling - is that it's aggressively mediocre. It's technically dazzling, over and over. And yet we don't get the emotions, the feels, the tingles, nothing. It's just, pretty and boring. Which is fairly unforgivable coming from the Disney brain trust, which has been centered on the idea that story is king for decades at this point.

They set up the intriguing concept at the beginning of the film, revealing that Geppetto in the past was the father of a child, and a husband to a wife as well. There is ZERO payoff for this at any time during the rest of the movie, including the ending. Ugh. That ending.

Sigh.

So if you know the original movie, and the original story for that matter, you know that Pinocchio in the end is super brave and super heroic and rescues Geppetto and ends up face down in the water when they wash up from fighting Monstro the whale.

Geppetto thinks Pinocchio is dead (really, he is) and takes him home and finishes the movie the way he started it - on his knees, praying for the life of his child. The Blue Fairy returns, and answers Geppetto's prayers and Pinocchio transforms into a real boy.

It is a stunning and emotional and powerful sequence - where you feel it in your gut and in your heart. It is also a very SPECIFIC Christian allegory. Geppetto is broken and prostrates himself before the creator, and his son returns to him - is resurrected and fully formed in flesh as a real human being. This is very Biblical, and not at all haphazard or emotionally motivated. The original story, and the original Disney animated feature adhere very closely to the lessons of scripture.

This live action remake ends like this -

It is Geppetto, not Pinocchio, who ends up unconscious on the beach, on his back. Pinocchio is never in danger, he's fully awake when he washes up. The allegory of God's son dying, sacrificing himself for his father - Pinocchio face down in the water and dead - is completely lost right from the beginning here.

Geppetto appears to be dead, Pinocchio cries over him and reprises, in shaky off-key acapella, "When You Wish Upon a Star" - ala' Maria in West Side Story over dead Tony. Doesn't really work or pull heart strings like it's supposed to. As he finishes the song, a single tear emerges from Pinocchio's wooden eyeball (huh?) and splats in blue fairy magic style on Geppetto's cheek. Ok, so Pinocchio isn't dead and he's not resurrected in the flesh - he's a crying puppet. Really is a strange development.

Geppetto wakes up and the two rejoice, all fine and good. But then Geppetto rambles on about how only a wooden puppet could've motored them away from Monstro (the Sea Monster) so quickly, and that 's he's proud of Pinocchio just the way he is. Uh-oh. Don't like the sound of that...

Then Pinocchio guides them off the beach towards a light in the distance, still a puppet. As they walk away, we start to see Pinocchio's leg change to a human form - but it's super quick and subtle. Did it really happen? Jiminy Cricket narrates (paraphrasing) "Some people say Pinocchio transformed into a real boy, others say different..." Excuse me? WTF? "But whether or not this happened, Pinocchio was real in his heart!"

Womp womp. Boo.

No dude - that's not how that goes. Through every iteration of every Pinocchio story ever told, including this aggressively mediocre janky CGI thing, all our hero wants to be is a real boy. Full Stop. In the end, Pinocchio's bravery and courage and his remorse for his sins, along with Geppetto's literal praying for him, are enough to grant him this ultimate wish and this ultimate gift that we have all been given. Humanity. Pinocchio, when he repents for his sins - becomes a living embodiment of the flesh, the puppet is made real, he is human and he is blessed by the grace of God.

THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE FUCKING STORY.

It's not what you feel inside. It's not what's in your heart. It's WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR. When you have faith, when believe in a power bigger than yourself, when you GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY.

It's not ambiguous, there's no wiggle room here. The story of Pinocchio is a very direct, very intentional, very specific - Biblical allegory for the sins of humanity and the redemption that can come when you let go and let God. Full stop.

The new-age, believe in yourself BULLSHIT, that Zemeckis and Disney foist here is incredibly aggravating. Not just because it's the typical crap, but because they are twisting what was once NOT crap, something that was once great, into the worst kind of nonsense. Selfish, self-aggrandizing pablum that is rooted in the worst of what modern atheist/agnostic thinking produces. The belief that morality comes from the human heart and not from God.

Don't get it twisted. If you don't have faith, you still need to be a good person - and you still can be. Some of the most moral people I know are atheists. But, the arrogance that it takes to grab a great piece of art that is directly inspired by the Bible like the story of Pinocchio and discard it's core premise which is entirely religious in favor of one that is, to put it politely, made up - it's just - sooooo irritating.

Anyways, don't waste your time with it. Hope I haven't wasted yours.