Pinocchio - NO

Not sure why I decided to torture myself last weekend and watch the new Disney+ movie - the live action re-make of Pinocchio. It was fairly terrible, not a surprise, but there were things I enjoyed here and there. That ending though... it was off putting when it happened, and now two days later I'm fairly lathered up about it.

Some background on me - I'm a huge fan of Disney animation, especially the first golden age (Snow White - Dumbo) and second golden age films (Mermaid - Lion King) - Pinocchio is undoubtedly the best of the first golden age, and maybe of all the Disney animated features. It's a brilliant masterpiece of art and story telling that was made 80 years ago but is still powerful today. So that was the biggest reason I decided to check it out, knowing full well that my very low expectations would likely not be met.

Second, one of my favorite directors is Robert Zemeckis - Cast Away is probably my favorite movie ever and I also love the lion's share of his work. Roger Rabbit, Back to the Future, Forrest Gump, etc. All great stuff. And he's a subversive and clever guy - always has an interesting take on pop culture and of course politics which are downstream from it.

A big reason against watching for me is that I largely detest most of the Disney live action remakes. (I like the first Maleficent because it's original and I also like the Jungle Book because it is different enough to maintain my interest.)

But I think a few decades from now these live action flights of fancy will mostly all be looked upon the same way we look at the Disney animated straight to DVD sequels of the early 90's. That is, they will mostly be forgotten or dimly remembered as a joyless cash grab.

But in the end - I turned Pinocchio with Tom Hanks on and took it in. Spoilers ahead, but the movie is fairly faithful to the original so there's nothing too earth shattering if you plan to see it.

The first hour or so (gulp, yes this movie is almost 2 hours) was fairly bland and forgettable. The Pleasure Island sequence is EASILY the best part of the movie. It is a faithful and frothy sequence that takes Pinocchio and the viewer on an intense escalation from joyful exuberance to depraved indulgence and violence. It was not lost on me that images of children looting stores and carrying vulgar protest signs apply very pointedly to todays headlines. Bravo Zemeckis, there's hope for your liberal soul yet!

Alas, the rest of the film - and especially the ending which I'll get to - falls victim to the Disney wokeness more times than I would've liked. Besides the ending, the biggest incidence of this is that there's an ancillary female puppet that's needlessly introduced and doesn't result in anything useful for the plot or emotional resonance. It feels like she's an after thought, a box to tick and nothing more.

But for this movie, a far bigger sin that pandering and virtue signaling - is that it's aggressively mediocre. It's technically dazzling, over and over. And yet we don't get the emotions, the feels, the tingles, nothing. It's just, pretty and boring. Which is fairly unforgivable coming from the Disney brain trust, which has been centered on the idea that story is king for decades at this point.

They set up the intriguing concept at the beginning of the film, revealing that Geppetto in the past was the father of a child, and a husband to a wife as well. There is ZERO payoff for this at any time during the rest of the movie, including the ending. Ugh. That ending.

Sigh.

So if you know the original movie, and the original story for that matter, you know that Pinocchio in the end is super brave and super heroic and rescues Geppetto and ends up face down in the water when they wash up from fighting Monstro the whale.

Geppetto thinks Pinocchio is dead (really, he is) and takes him home and finishes the movie the way he started it - on his knees, praying for the life of his child. The Blue Fairy returns, and answers Geppetto's prayers and Pinocchio transforms into a real boy.

It is a stunning and emotional and powerful sequence - where you feel it in your gut and in your heart. It is also a very SPECIFIC Christian allegory. Geppetto is broken and prostrates himself before the creator, and his son returns to him - is resurrected and fully formed in flesh as a real human being. This is very Biblical, and not at all haphazard or emotionally motivated. The original story, and the original Disney animated feature adhere very closely to the lessons of scripture.

This live action remake ends like this -

It is Geppetto, not Pinocchio, who ends up unconscious on the beach, on his back. Pinocchio is never in danger, he's fully awake when he washes up. The allegory of God's son dying, sacrificing himself for his father - Pinocchio face down in the water and dead - is completely lost right from the beginning here.

Geppetto appears to be dead, Pinocchio cries over him and reprises, in shaky off-key acapella, "When You Wish Upon a Star" - ala' Maria in West Side Story over dead Tony. Doesn't really work or pull heart strings like it's supposed to. As he finishes the song, a single tear emerges from Pinocchio's wooden eyeball (huh?) and splats in blue fairy magic style on Geppetto's cheek. Ok, so Pinocchio isn't dead and he's not resurrected in the flesh - he's a crying puppet. Really is a strange development.

Geppetto wakes up and the two rejoice, all fine and good. But then Geppetto rambles on about how only a wooden puppet could've motored them away from Monstro (the Sea Monster) so quickly, and that 's he's proud of Pinocchio just the way he is. Uh-oh. Don't like the sound of that...

Then Pinocchio guides them off the beach towards a light in the distance, still a puppet. As they walk away, we start to see Pinocchio's leg change to a human form - but it's super quick and subtle. Did it really happen? Jiminy Cricket narrates (paraphrasing) "Some people say Pinocchio transformed into a real boy, others say different..." Excuse me? WTF? "But whether or not this happened, Pinocchio was real in his heart!"

Womp womp. Boo.

No dude - that's not how that goes. Through every iteration of every Pinocchio story ever told, including this aggressively mediocre janky CGI thing, all our hero wants to be is a real boy. Full Stop. In the end, Pinocchio's bravery and courage and his remorse for his sins, along with Geppetto's literal praying for him, are enough to grant him this ultimate wish and this ultimate gift that we have all been given. Humanity. Pinocchio, when he repents for his sins - becomes a living embodiment of the flesh, the puppet is made real, he is human and he is blessed by the grace of God.

THAT'S THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE FUCKING STORY.

It's not what you feel inside. It's not what's in your heart. It's WHEN YOU WISH UPON A STAR. When you have faith, when believe in a power bigger than yourself, when you GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY.

It's not ambiguous, there's no wiggle room here. The story of Pinocchio is a very direct, very intentional, very specific - Biblical allegory for the sins of humanity and the redemption that can come when you let go and let God. Full stop.

The new-age, believe in yourself BULLSHIT, that Zemeckis and Disney foist here is incredibly aggravating. Not just because it's the typical crap, but because they are twisting what was once NOT crap, something that was once great, into the worst kind of nonsense. Selfish, self-aggrandizing pablum that is rooted in the worst of what modern atheist/agnostic thinking produces. The belief that morality comes from the human heart and not from God.

Don't get it twisted. If you don't have faith, you still need to be a good person - and you still can be. Some of the most moral people I know are atheists. But, the arrogance that it takes to grab a great piece of art that is directly inspired by the Bible like the story of Pinocchio and discard it's core premise which is entirely religious in favor of one that is, to put it politely, made up - it's just - sooooo irritating.

Anyways, don't waste your time with it. Hope I haven't wasted yours.

No One Mourns the Wicked

I've written here before of my love for the long running Broadway classic, Wicked.

It struck me the other day, while driving home from work and listening to Ben Shapiro beautifully dismantle the latest absurd instance of race essentialism in the news, that a big reason for Wicked resonating with me so much is that it's a great parable for today's culture of condemnation.

At first blush, the story of Wicked seems tailor made for the modern left's racialist world view - Elphaba is  unnaturally GREEN and thus ostracized by her classmates.  She arrives ready to support the Wizard of Oz, giddy at the prospect of teaming up with this great man.  But it turns out that the Wizard is originally from Kansas and believes the animal-folk of Oz should be livestock, rather than articulate and intelligent denizens of cities and towns. 

So it's a perfect analogy for the racism that our country was founded on and still permeates the United States today.

Uh, not quite.

On the surface, it is indeed an obvious anti-racist (in the traditional meaning of the term) parallel the the USA- but even bigger than that, from my perspective, Wicked has become a potent correlation to the very recent extreme polarization that has erupted between garbage covered blue cities and the rural refuges of flyover country.   

On one side you have the conservatives - traditionalists, who believe in the founding fathers, the Constitution and the true principles on which our nation was founded.  Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness - that all of us are created equal in the eyes of God - and entitled to nothing less than the opportunity to be free and thrive with hard work.

On the other - you have the radical left - which recently has been determined to insist on a dismantling of the USA.  After all, our country was founded on racism, and to this day we are still mired in this disease.  The only way forward is to tear it all down and start over, with an emphasis not on equal opportunities for all - bur rather a state engineered EQUITY that will insure by hell or high-water, an equal outcome in success.  

The conservatives in Oz want their land the way it has been for a thousand years.  Animals and humans, side by side, free to succeed or fail - all contingent on determination and excellence.  A true meritocracy founded on the principles of freedom.  It doesn't matter if my professor is a goat, what matters is if he knows what he's talking about.

The new left in Oz wants a new world order.  Animals are livestock, not life partners.  Animals are meant to be corralled, groomed and even eaten - all to sustain the greater good.  What has come before was wrong and evil.  There can be no equality.  Only equity.  Only a pre-determined outcome of good over evil.  The only way forward is to tear it all down and start over.

And the punchline to this way of thinking is the same from both radical leftists in the real world and Munchkin extremists in the land of Oz.  

If you're not with us, you're against us.  And you aren't just wrong, you are evil.  

You are Wicked.

****

In the opening of Wicked, Galinda asks the key question - "Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?"

This has resonated with me greatly over the past few years.

For a long time I have said that the difference between conservatives and hard left progressives is that the former just thinks the latter is wrong, while the latter thinks the former is evil.

In 2022 that is more true than ever.

This is because the far left has been wrong on just about everything and the only weapon they have remaining is the very effective tactic of castigation.

You are a bigot.  A racist.  A homophobe.  A misogynist. 

You are a Wicked witch.

(Spoilers ahead if you don't know Wicked)

Elphaba is branded as a Wicked Witch early on after her break from the Wizard and his orthodoxy.  When she chooses to stand up for traditional values, she is cast out and smeared broadly by the cool kids, including her ex-besty Galinda, now Glinda the Good Witch of the North.

Wordplay is a running through-line in Wicked, used to illustrate how the statists manipulate language by whim to control others.   The Wizard and his lackeys frequently use nonsense words as a cudgel to get their underlings to submit.

Glinda goes right along with it, and makes sure everyone stays in line - all the while filled with regret over the demonization of her friend.

Elphaba is eventually forced to submit, in that she has to embrace the label of Wicked Witch - and she wears the mantle, but she never bends or breaks under it.  She still fights resolutely for what is right.  But it all comes to a breaking point with the arrival of a powerful new Witch from the Wizard's homeland.

From her perspective, this Dorthy chick is just as bad as the Wizard and perhaps just as powerful.  Think about it - a young beautiful witch arrives from on high, and drives a house on top of her sister - killing her instantly.

And Dorthy has the same belief system as the Wizard.  Animals are livestock.  I take what I want.  Those Silver Shoes?  (Or Ruby if you prefer)  Those are mine.   I have your ex-best friend's fiancé' (also your one time lover) at my command, along with your sisters unrequited love and a big ass lion.   Animals can never be equals - their inferiority is baked into our history.  We must corral them and slaughter them if need be.

Elphaba leaps at the chance to go deep undercover by faking her own death (based on more lies from the left, er, the Munchkins) because the wrath of Dorthy and the maniacal Wizard is just too much to bear.

Elphaba will continue the fight undercover, but for her own safety and sanity she must remove herself from the equation.

***

I feel like a lot of us who perhaps at one time dipped our toe into the public square to make our views heard - have had wickedness thrust upon us - and have been forced to withdraw.

I work in an industry where the vast majority of my colleagues are much more inclined to embrace the destructive radicalism of the left (the mostly peaceful BLM organization, the pronoun police, the removal of merit based school testing, etc.) and cast off people like me who disagree as Wicked.

There is a very real danger that if I stand up too forcefully - that I will severely limit my future employment prospects.

So to this day I stay mostly silent.  I'm in hiding, gently pushing back when I see an opening that won't hurt my career or invite too much wrath.  But my patience and faith is starting to wear thin.

I fear there may be a time down the road when it's too much and I have to stand and become the Wicked Witch.

I wasn't born this way.  Wickedness has been thrust upon me, and hundreds of millions of Americans, by the cult of the woke and their corporate overlords. 

But whether I find the courage to stand up fully against the anger on the left - or if I can only manage a more stealthy subversiveness - I will never bend my knee to the social justice madness that has infected our country, just as the evil sorcery of Madame Morrible silenced the animals of OZ.

I will never submit, I will never surrender to compulsory language, I will never fit in with the cool kids. 

I will NEVER apologize to any of these people.

EVER.

 

Movies and More - 2020

 2020 changed the game - in many ways more than one, but as far as I'm concerned the biggest alteration to our universe is what the year did to movies.

Going to the theater was no longer a thing - for most of the year - at all.  My family and I were part of the true lockdown for the first half of the year, before I got cranky and restrictions were loosened enough that I left the house anyways.   But still, movies were not a thing.

In fact, in 2020 I didn't get to the theater at all!  It wasn't until early 2021 that I attended a private screening of Godzilla vs. King Kong that I sat in front of a big silver screen.  Boo!

So stuck inside the house, we had to turn to what was available - and a good portion of that wasn't feature films, but rather television streaming series.

Much to my delight, the quality of what I saw was so high, that I feel perfectly comfortable sliding in a bunch of television offerings into my yearly movie top 10 for 2020.  I did delay making this list for over a year, because there were hardly any movies to rank, but then I reflected on just how good all those tv shows were and figured - why not?

So here we go.  First, the runners up!

Tiger King

Bat-shit insane documentary that plays more like a crazy comedy/drama found footage tv series.  Yes, my wife and I were thoroughly captivated by this both repulsive and irresistible garbage caravan of ego, sex and sin.  Couldn't stop, wouldn't stop watching.  We binged it in two and a half days.

Can't say I was sympathetic to any of the players at all.  Maybe a little bit for the poor person who got their arm ripped off by a tiger, though I certainly don't blame the tiger at all.

Birds of Prey

Saw this on our newly subscribed service - HBO Max.  Enjoyed it a lot actually.  Great action, lots of fun and depraved moments.  I was less crazy about Ewan McGregor's sadistic villain - the scenes of him torturing a family and terrifying a young woman in his club were very odd and out of place.  Didn't fit the tone of the film, and served no purpose beyond that establishing that his character was a bad guy.  Yes, we already got that - didn't need gratuitous violence and sexual anger to establish this.

Onward

Pixar swings for the fences, and mostly comes up with the goods in this fantastic tale of brotherly love set in a Zootopia version of Middle Earth.  Liked it very, very much.  Almost loved it.  The choice of dealing with half a dad was a bit odd, the way having Princess Merida's mom turn into a bear was also odd.  A bit off putting and strange, but in the end the emotional notes do get struck well enough.

Umbrella Academy

Don't know if this was actually released in 2020, but I was kind of blown away at the production value and how the story held my interest.  There really is a great golden age of television quality these days.  Hoping for a third season.

Top ten - 

10. Big Mouth

Unless I specify otherwise, with the TV shows that pop up on this list I am including them for all the seasons that have aired so far.

Ok, this is a cartoon that is all about kids in middle school and all the shit they go through.  The stories are primarily focused on puberty and sex and awkwardness.  It is highly embarrassing, highly uncomfortable and HUGELY hilarious.  I typically laugh so hard I'm in tears at least a couple of times in every single episode.

There is much that is OH SO WRONG about this show - but I have to say, it does pretty much nail every topic that it deals with.  Yes, there is a bit of woke preachiness that seeps through, especially in later seasons - but the show is so foul and politically incorrect that it never sticks. 

9. Soul

Enjoyed this a bit more than "Onward" - Blown away, again, by the animation - which perfectly captured the outlandishness and otherworldliness of the after-life, and also the overwhelming joy of "the real world".   Pixar does enjoy these strange body-switching tropes, and switching with the cat was another "Ok, I guess we're doing that" moment, but this time it works a bit better.  As with all of their best stuff, the emotions run deep and the big questions raised are profound.   Seen this twice, over a year ago at this point, and I need to watch it again.

8. The Invisible Man

I remember catching this fairly early in the pandemic.  It is simply an outstanding thriller that uses all the right tools in the right measure to string us along and shock us at all the right moments.  The story also serves as a powerful analogy for man on woman abuse - and delivers a satisfying resolution of justice in the end.   Great stuff.

7. Hamilton

I was supposed to see this live pre-pandemic, and gave my ticket to my wife when I forgot I had scheduled a poker night.  She thought it was ok.  I was still excited to see it some day, and then Disney decided to drop this on their streaming service a good two years earlier than expected.  I was happy to check it out - and I was pleasantly blown away.

I love history, I love America - and this production is an absolute genius way to get everyone excited about both.  Lin Manuel Miranda's brilliant high concept, casting primarily people of color in the almost all white roles in our history - does the trick in relieving the audience of their baggage and letting them absorb the true power behind the words of our founding fathers.

I must've watched this three or four times the weekend it came out.  I now know all the songs, and like all of them and LOVE more than a few of them.  The Skyler Sisters, Say Goodbye, You'll Be Back & Burn jump to mind as some of my favorites.   Hamilton is thrilling and invigorating, and makes my heart swell with pride.  I will always and forever be a patriot, and Hamilton is a great affirmation of this fact.

6. The Boys

Another television series - this one is an absolutely brilliant sendup of the Marvel and DC movies.  It's dark, extremely violent and sexually explicit - but oh so great.  I've watched and loved both seasons and can't wait for the third to drop.   Great to see Aya Cash show up in season two, she was the lead in my old high school friend's show on FX "You're the Worst" and she's fantastic here as a literal ex nazi super-baddie.

So many great eye popping moments (sometimes literally).  I love Karl Urban's c-word loving leading man (why is it that the c-word is so easy to say with an accent?) and it's amazing seeing Dennis Quaid's kid take the reins as our long suffering protagonist.  My favorite character is probably the pathetic "The Deep" his talking gills are just super bizarre and amazing at the same time.   And of course, Homelander is the ultimate "Super" villain.  Can't wait to see what happens with him next!

5. The Crown

The first season or so were certainly pre-2020, but since I wasn't allowing tv shows onto my list prior to that, this seems like a good time to rank this here and to praise all of the shows seasons that have been released so far.

And yes, all the seasons and characterizations are great - but I confess I do love the first two seasons and Clair Foy's QE II the most of all.  She is absolutely brilliant, and beautiful of course, and I love learning about the early days and events of the queen's monarchy.

I also confess, as an American, I have lived the bulk of my life with little or no appreciation for the royal family of England.  After all, we are born and raised to believe that it's not what's in your blood but rather what's in your soul that matters.   Royal entitlement is backwards and not who we are.  

But this show, more than any other book or documentary I have read about the royals, really demonstrates why the family and the crown matter.  It's about heritage, it's about legacy, it's about tradition and how our ancestors influence who we are.  It's not easy to dismiss this if you are born British - and certainly impossible to discard it if you are actually in the royal family itself.  This show gives a window of insight to these truths, and I really enjoy finally understanding what all the fuss is about.   

Yes, ultimately it is a soap opera, and there are certainly giant historical inaccuracies throughout I have no doubt, but it is highly entertaining and every production dollar certainly shows up on screen.  It's a much watch if you have any interest at all in the royals or if you are like me and have curiosity 

4. Ted Lasso

Sucked it up and plunked down $4.99 a month just so I could watch this show, and I have to say it was worth it.  It lived up to all the hype that my friends built up.  At first glance TL seems like a typical, well crafted comedy/drama with snappy dialogue and contrived but enjoyable situations.

But really the show is a lot more than just that.  The major themes of the show, kindness and forgiveness loom so large that they actually supersede the prime directive of these kinds of shows - conflict at all costs.  I knew I was forever hooked when (spoilers) the lead character IMMEDIATELY forgave Rebecca when she confessed what she had done to him.  So unexpected, so fresh and so powerful.

2020 was the year I watched season one, so I will save my praise for the second season until 2021 - but I have to say, I don't know if I've watched a better show than the first go-around of Ted Lasso.  Remarkable lead character who is certainly a role model as to how to live, and a brilliant supporting cast that is sucked in and seduced by Ted's unstoppable optimism and kindness, just as the audience is.

3. Rick & Morty

I have been watching this show for quite a few years now - but let me take this opportunity to sing it's praises and rank it high on my top 2020 list of Movies AND TV Shows - for all of the seasons, including the one I watched in 2020.

This show ranks for sure as one of my all time favorite TV series.  It is deep, it is profound and it is also deeply and profoundly disturbed.  The humor is twisted, and often explicit.  The show can be gory and shocking, but it is also enthralling for a Star Trek / Star Wars / Sci-Fi fan.   The writing is both brilliant and hilarious, the characters are surprisingly deep, especially our two leads and their immediate family.

Love R&M so much and love that my teenage daughter and I have bonded over this show and never miss an episode.  It makes me laugh, sometimes makes me cry (not because of heart breaking scenes, but because the show is just so damn good) and will live on in my life probably for the rest of my life.

2. The Queen's Gambit

Although this is a tv show, it is a limited one time only, one season, mini-series - so it feels like a movie and will not continue and will always be perfect.

I just love this story, entirely fictional though it is, even though it does try at times to get a bit preachy.  It's just so well done, so well written and acted and shot - that I couldn't help but be enraptured by the story and the chess and the characters.

Favorite moment - when we see that all of the chess girl's friends that we've met along the way are on the other end of the phone all working together to help her succeed.  Such a stand up and cheer moment!  Love this show so much!

1. The Mandalorian

2020's season one was about as good as it gets for a Star Wars fan.  I'd say season 2 (in 2021) might've even been better - but I'll focus on season one here.

Amazing, thrilling, exciting and fulfilling Star Wars in long form, live action!  Just awesome.  Loved it so much and didn't miss an episode and in fact watched all of them again more than once.

God bless Faverau and Filoni, they've rekindled the love of Star Wars in fans of all ages even more so than even the big budget movies of late.   Can't wait to hopefully follow these characters for many years down the road.  Grateful that it seems to be continuing with the surprisingly different "Book of Boba Fett"

My one big disappointment in 2020 was Wonder Woman 84.  I wanted to love it, really I did.  My first impression on Facebook that I offered was mostly positive.  But in watching it again and listening to the well deserved criticisms it received from my friends, I have to say, it was pretty awful.   The villains were terrible, the story was all over the place and badly structured.  The best stuff was the interaction between Gal and Chris Pine, and even that suffered because Chris' character died and the way he was brought back was pretty flimsy.   Makes me sad that so many talented people could make something that is so bad.

Anyways, that's it for that shit-show known as 2020.  A lot of great entertainment was available, even if it wasn't traditional movies in theaters.  I'm glad that 2021 has returned a bit more to tradition, and so my upcoming top 10 for that year will return the focus more to movies.  But not entirely!

The Beatles White Album - Redux

 My entire premise here is EXTREMELY presumptuous and arrogant.   But since this blog has always been about how I feel and uncensored in that mission - I will dive right in.

The Beatles are the greatest rock-n-roll group ever, with the best songs and the best albums...

...but...

"The White Album" is too long and is loaded with less than great songs.

George Martin says it should've been one kick ass LP and I agree entirely.

The problem of course, is when they recorded this record they were pretty much fed up with each other.  Also John getting into more absurdly hard drugs and latching on to a kooky avant guard screamer didn't help either.  Don't get me wrong, I love Yoko these days and don't blame her for breaking up the band more than a dozen other factors - but she was one more element in the kindling that saw the boys fighting a lot more.

So when they made the record it was either John or Paul or George (and Ringo for one song) and three other lads.  And when it was time to put out the record, the decision was made to make it a double LP no doubt because feelings were frayed enough at that point.  I really believe, as a complete non-expert in all things Beatles, that this had to be a driving factor in the decision to just say "fuck it" and include everything, rather than make the hard choices and kill babies in the name of making a great album.

So, I took the liberty of doing it myself.

My two prime missions in track selection were -

-The record should feel more like a group rather than individuals.  So it should feel balanced between John and Paul and also include George and Ringo.

-To help in this aim, of making the record more cohesive, it should be first and foremost a rock-n-roll project.  There are so many great 'bangers' to choose from, it seems a natural approach that this album  be focused on rocking out, rather than the more fanciful and folksy stuff.

Side 1

• Back In the USSR
• Dear Prudence
• Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
• While My Guitar Gently Weeps
• Helter Skelter
• Happiness is a Warm Gun
• Julia

Side 2

• Birthday
• Sexy Sadie
• Blackbird
• Piggies
• Don't Pass Me By
• Everybody's Got Something to Hide
• I Will

It should be noted that side one is slightly over the 23 minutes that an LP in 1968 would be capable of holding, but side two is enough under that all of these songs could indeed fit on the record.  That was my rule for rebuilding this LP, it had to be doable, somewhat.  In the end, I really like this sequencing of songs.

Back in the USSR segueing into Dear Prudence was and will forever be one of the greatest album transitions in rock history.  Left that alone.

Omitted Glass Onion (more on the rejected tracks later) because it's as indulgent and as self-absorbed as anything the Beatles ever produced.  This could only be a John song, he was very much into himself at the time.

Obla-Di gets a lot of flack for being fluff, but it's THE ear-worm of the record and as iconic as any other song on the entire original double LP.

While My Guitar is not necessarily my cup of tea as far as my personal tastes go, but there's no denying that it's an absolute statement of George's arrival as a songwriter that rivals those other two blokes.  That he brought in Eric Clapton to solo only cements his commitment to making the very best song that he could.  It's an epic power house that deserves to be front and center on this record.

Helter Skelter goes here because I really see the whole album as a confirmation of The Beatles as rock-n-roll artists.  As you can see, I left off a bunch of the softer songs, because while they are worthy in their own right - the record really works best I think adhering to the rock aesthetic.  This song follows George's crying guitar epic and cranks up the rock even more.

We slow down just a tad with probably one of the most underrated and underplayed tracks by The Beatles ever.  Happiness is a Warm Gun is juvenile yes, but it's also delightful in it's bawdiness and it's hippie languishing vibe.   A very unique song, a bit of a head scratcher.  Both whimsical and sophomoric.  I really love it and don't know what to think of it at the same time.   

Julia caps off the first side with perhaps the most brutally personal song John has done before or since.  Yes, this is his mom.  She was struck by a car and killed when John was a kid.  And although his relationship with her up to that point was complicated, her passing was still beyond traumatic for him.  Plaintive and mournful, it's impossible not to be moved by this ode to John's mummy.

Birthday is indeed a bit of a gimmick, but it's also super upbeat (we need it after Julia) and catchy and now in popular culture - absolutely iconic.  It is THE birthday song, after the ACTUAL birthday song.

Sexy Sadie could be passed off as just more lazy, bluesy based music by John (a trend that would stay with him as long as he was in the heroin pit, another five years or so) but what saves this track is the awesome lyrics and the story behind it.   I just LOVE this refutation of the cult that was the con-artist maharishi that The Beatles sought out.   For a great expose' of all of it, you could do no better than this blunt calling-out of bullshit.  There's also a great chunk of the new Peter Jackson documentary that deals with it and makes this song even more delightful to listen to.

Blackbird is simply one of Paul's best songs.  That is all.

Piggies is a bit odd, but as with Warm Gun, it has a delightful and somewhat dated hippie vibe that makes it fun.  I also think it's important that George have at least a song on each side.

Don't Pass Me By is Ringo's contribution, and his first crack at songwriting that makes it onto a record - and it's great.  Best of all, it gets us back to rocking out.

Me and My Monkey is a kick ass rocker.  Love it so much.  Reminds me in the best way of The Beatles best uptempo bangers.  This goes alongside 'Hey Bulldog' as my favorite underrated, underplayed and under-appreciated Beatles bops.

I Will and we slow things down for the capper.  A lovely bookend, soft yet upbeat to close it out.  A simple love song, but very powerful - as this is what was ultimately The Beatles best selling point.  Yes, the L word.  Unconditional and forever.

As always, when you kill babies, you're going to lose some that you really love.   There were indeed tracks that I adore that did not make the cut:

Mother Nature's Son - Paul does melody better than anyone, and this track is one of his loveliest.   But as I mentioned, my goal with the white album was to make it first and foremost a Beatles album (meaningful equal attention to both Paul and John as well as room for George and Ringo), and the best way to accomplish this in my view was to make it primarily a rock-n-roll record.   There are only so many slots available for the soft stuff, and though Paul is the master, this is not his album alone.

Martha My Dear - committed for the same reasons as MNS.  Too similar to Paul's other work, and too much of it.    I do absolutely LOVE this song though.

Savoy Truffle - I absolutely love this rocker, and probably should've found room for it - but again I didn't want to shove aside another Beatle to make room for more of the same from John.  He's got the 'Monkey' song as his big banger, as well as Prudence (one of his all time greats) and Gun and Sadie, plus Juila as his ballad. He gets 5 and Paul gets 6, George 2 and Ringo 1.   I didn't necessarily want to be bean counting to determine the track selection - I thought it more important that the album FEEL balanced.   If I added Savoy then I have to lose a Paul song, and sorry - those are all just too strong and iconic to remove

And then there are the leftovers - some of these I still like quite a bit, but others I think belong in the Anthology box set rather than on an actual Beatles album.

Glass Onion - see above comments.  Fart sniffing nonsense.

Wild Honey Pie - a non-song, They Might Be Giants Fingertips filler nonsense.  Indulgent and mildly off-putting.

I'm So Tired - I know there are those who love this sort of thing, but to me it's just more heroin rock from John.  Meh.

Rocky Raccoon - Love that it inspired the name of one of my favorite Marvel characters.  Yes, it's a fun and interesting Western movie ballad.  Doesn't really fit the rock aesthetic of much of the album, certainly doesn't fit my mission statement of making a rock record.

Bungalow Bill - I would love to know which song came first, this one or Rocky.  Both seem cut of the same cloth.  Whimsical and cinematic, but ultimately more for kids and stoned 20 year olds than anyone else.

Why Don't We Do It in the Road - Speaking of kids, this one is pretty middle-schoolish.  I know because when I was in middle school I thought this song was awesome.  Why don't we do it in the road, heh heh, uh huh huh...  Beevis and Butthead no doubt would love this song most of all.   I do love that the story behind this song was Paul seeing two monkeys in India going at it in the middle of the road and musing as to why people don't typically do this as well.  It makes me chuckle.

Revolution I - very strange to me this remix and rearrangement.  Completely unnecessary filler, especially because it's an alt version of a completely KICK ASS single.   The Beatles are unique in rock in that their singles truly do stand on their own, for the most part separate from the albums.  If the original rocker 'Revolution' had been included on this album, and not this tepid John heroin version, it of course would make the cut.   It's interesting, because although this bluesy version was recorded first - it was the hard rocker that we all know and love that was released first (as the other side of Hey Jude) - so in my mind, the single is the definitive version and this is just John being John.

Yer Blues - Another 'Don't Let Me Down' blues-a-thon from John.  Sorry, I got rid of all of them for this record.

Long Long Long - swing and a miss for George.  Sounds unfinished and experimental.

Honey Pie - lovely melody and lyrics from Master Paul.  Too light for a hard rock record and also too similar to the smarmy storytelling already accounted for with Obla-Di.

Cry Baby Cry - is actually lovely as well.  Love the all too brief accordion work and enjoy the lyrical play, for once uncharacteristically inspired from John in a period of time for him where inspiration didn't come around often enough.   This one might not belong in this reject pile, but I still don't think it makes the cut.  It does have an unfinished vibe to it, similar to the Let It Be sessions.  The Paul coda is superfluous and indulgent.

Revolution 9 - pure shit.

Good Night - nice effort to give Ringo a song.  But it's plodding and forgettable.  Not the button they hoped it would be.

*****

So yeah, I've got a lot of nerve and no real right to be so critical of the lads.  Paul says it in the anthology doc -  "It doesn't need fixing, it's the fucking White Album.  Get over it."

Yes, he's right of course.  But I still enjoy these thought experiments - even though they are far more indulgent than any music The Beatles ever created that's for sure.

But I stand my assertion that the White Album is too long and has too much substandard stuff on it.

I really believe it would've been better had it simply been a rock record, a step away from Sgt. Peppers  indulgence and a step back to what The Beatles have always done best.   That doesn't mean lose the creativity, the story telling, the interesting characters and compelling melodies - but it does mean to lay off the bluesy wailing (John) and go easy on the fairy tales (Paul) and make the best damn rock record you can.

I believe my redux achieves that, and I enjoy looking at what might have been.  It doesn't diminish what was, real life is often a lot less streamlined and more imperfect that what we would like it to be.